TOPIC: What exactly is "gossip" and based on these definitions are we not all basically "gossipers?"
With bullying still under the microscope of many prominent psychologists and research teams, organizing and executing cross-sectional studies, correlational research, descriptive research, longitudinal studies, case studies, and the other types of studies and research I cannot recall from the days at a desk in my psychology classes, this apparently timeless practice, even with over forty years of data, still boggles the minds and practices of school districts, administrators, counselors, and teachers. Although I deem their journey and vigilant attempts worth while and necessary, one has to ask if there is not a simpler answer or possible reason for why we have not defeated this monster of human interaction and why it appears to be reborn with every new generation. The hard truth might be hard to swallow and might never be accepted: we will never eradicate bullying, no matter how many studies are completed; it's ingrained in the human condition, but this does not mean we should not attempt to defeat it.
I am not fully versed or informed on all the studies I mentioned above (but I do have extensive experience on the subject from my college and continued professional studies, as well as everyday on-the-job-training), but we all know these studies are out there somewhere in the deep academic stratosphere, and I believe most of them center on school-aged children, because bullying simply is not an adult practice, right?
Hogwash.
Adults actually engage in more bullying than school-aged children simply by opening their mouths or unlocking their cellphones. The most pervasive forms of bullying do not take the shape of unwanted aggressive behavior involving a real or perceived power imbalance; the most common forms of school-aged bullying are verbal bullying (teasing, name-calling, inappropriate sexual comments, taunting, threatening to cause harm); social bullying (leaving someone out on purpose, telling others not to be friends with someone, spreading rumors, embarrassing someone in public) and cyberbullying (occurring via internet, text, or email). Hmmm...Doesn't verbal, social, and cyberbullying sound strangely familiar to our adult minds?
This might surprise you, but as adults each form of bullying arises in the form of gossip. And, yes, we are all guilty of it.
Verbal and social bullying are the most obvious in the adult world because who hasn't talked about someone when this particular person wasn't in the room? (And, yes, all of the below scenarios include familial relations and situations as well):
“Bobby and his girlfriend are done...it's about time, right? She wasn't good for him.”
“Sue's pregnant, but she doesn't want anyone to know yet, because get this, she doesn't know who the father is yet.”
“Remember, Cynthia? She's been strapped for cash so guess what she's doing now...she became an exotic dancer.”
“I can't believe Ricky is moving into that apartment.”
How are these examples of verbal and social bullying? Bobby's girlfriend will not get pushed down at recess, Sue will not have notes plastered on her locker calling her a slut, Cynthia won't be called names or treated differently while changing in the locker room, and Ricky won't be ostracized at lunch because his apartment is below his schoolmates standards; however, even though the effects of comments like these aren't as easily detectable or cause immediate consequences in the adult world like the comments school-aged children make around the lunch table, these comments age with time, effecting how people view the people mentioned above, how people might treat or interact with these people in the future.
If you took two seconds (well, maybe way more than two seconds) to actually think about how your views on people in your own life have changed over time, people you might not associate with all too often, or people who simply are now past acquaintances, you'll probably not be able to trace where your view originated (unless the view originated from direct interaction).
Now, of course, I am not referring to the people who you easily forgive because they always have good intentions, people who are close to your heart, or people who you trust with your life, because most of us spend too much time with these people to actually find time to gossip about them, right? Actually, we don't randomly speak (gossip) about these people (when they aren't present) because we love them, we care about them, and we would not want anyone in their lives to view them differently. Think about that one.
As per Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary:
GOSSIP (n.)
(1) A person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others
(2) Rumor or report of an intimate nature
(3) Chatty talk
So if you really think about it, and you probably don't have to think that hard, you can make the connection between bullying and having any conversation as adults about another person when the person is not present. It's really not that hard to see, but we don't see it as adults because we think we are talking about this person for their own good, to help them, or to warn the person we are talking to about this other person, but actually we are bullying any person we talk about when they aren't present. Now, of course, there are times when we need to talk about others because of a specific need like asking when they will show up to the party because they are your ride home, or did they finish the task you asked them to do so you can complete your end of the task, or other such scenarios as these; these instances are beneficial because you need to mention other people to move forward, but as soon as you add commentary about anything another person is doing which doesn't involve a direct personal need or benefit (for you or the other person), it becomes gossiping, which, as I've said before in this post, is bullying.
So if you mention another person who isn't present, and what you mention does not propel your action in some way towards a mutual or personal goal or satisfy a need or benefit you or the other person in some way, then it's gossiping. So the next time you tell someone Mary is pregnant without her knowledge even though she never told you not to mention it or you innocently comment on Joe's girlfriend to a casual acquaintance, be wary, very wary because you just might have caused an emotional scar you are not or ever will be aware of has formed.
And just for fun:
Old English “sibb,” meaning “relative” or “kinsman,” came from the adjective “sibb,” “related by blood” (the ancestor of modern English sibling). Old English “godsibb” was a person spiritually related to another, specifically by being a sponsor at baptism. Today we call such a person a godparent. Over the centuries, “godsibb” changed both in form and in meaning. Middle English “gossib” came to be used for a close friend or crony as well as for a godparent. From there it was only a short step to the “gossip” of today, a person no longer necessarily friend, relative, or sponsor, but someone filled with irresistible tidbits of rumor.
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